Cocaine Bear

Seb Shaw
Apr 26, 2023
8 min read

SnarkAI Score: 60/100

tldr:

Based on the review provided, this movie seems to be an odd mix of humor, absurdity, and action, with a somewhat disjointed plot. The reviewer found some parts of the movie funny, but it may not be the best choice for someone looking for a serious or coherent film. This score indicates that the movie is somewhat entertaining but may not be universally appealing or particularly memorable.

Our Scores are generated by SnarkAI's analysis of our reviewer's writing. The tldr summary is drafted by SnarkAI based on that review. All Images are AI-generated based on the reviewer's descriptions of scenes.

It's a movie about a bear doing cocaine and it's based on "True Events". This may be all the review you need. p.s. I found it funny.

We get some advice on surviving a black bear attack set against clouding landscape shots and sporadic plinks of notes. They then tell us this vital information on survival is from Wikipedia.

Two hippies are camping out, rather he's German (ish, American film accents are hit or miss) and a hippie and she's his fiance along for the ride. he's lecturing about how exactly is a state, not a drug. She might be German, but the actress definitely isn't. ( googled and she's Dutch)

They step over a massive bear footprint. Honestly, it has a puddle of water in it, it's bigger than the one in Jurassic Park. This bear better be 5 meters tall.

The fiance says "I've always wanted to see a bear in real life, we have such good luck in nature." and they take photos of it. He's a bit more sensible.

He says 'Fight it!' she says 'Fuck that for a game of soldiers you daft bugger" and legs it. Remender kids, you don't need to be faster than a bear, you need to be faster than your fiance, She was! Except he fell over and the bear just leap over him and ate her. He gets to keep her leg though as a present.

COCAINE BEAR!

It chases a poorly CGI'd butterfly and ignores the German guy.

Woah! I feel old now, we get a few anti-drug commercials from my youth.

We basically get a bunch of groups of people, loosely connected. So I'm going to tell you about them separately.

Syd

We meet Syd, the big bad drug dealer who lost the coke. He looks kinda like a bear himself. Turns out his son was involved in the 'business' and his daughter-in-law Joan is dead. He feels teh son in law should be a)over it and b)back on drugs by now. Charming fellow. He's looking after his grandson and is kinda sick of it. He sends his, we assume, right-hand man to bring his son-in-law back into the fold.

Syd's played by Ray Liotta. I assumed he was dead.

Syd kinda turns up near the end with a rifle and shoots the police officer. In the time between shooting the officer and going to investigate the officers gave all 14,000,000 USD of coke to the bear.

Turns out his partner Reba was on the take. It would be a bigger emotional reveal if we got more than 30 seconds with her at the start. She was so inconsequential this is the first you heard of her after all.

Syd's the only one left in the cave, not wanting to get his coke wet. He gets strangled by the bag he refused to leave behind by the bear. It's supposed to be deep. it's deeply stupid.

Ranger Liz, Peter and Sari

You'll know the actress, Margo Martindale, she's been in a lot. To the point Bojack Horseman makes fun of it.

She chats to a hiker in very 70's gear who does a bit of mild shoplifting but wins her over with some flattery about her perfume. The reason for her wearing the perfume arrives with a cardboard Smokie the Bear, basically oblivious to the romantic interest of the Ranger. Peter's played by the guy who played Mitchell in Modern Family.

A concerned woman, Sari, arrives looking for her daughter. The ranger, the gent and her head out. The ranger oversells us on the danger of the local gang. the Doochamps.

They spot Henry up a tree, DeeDee is nowhere to be found.

Peter doesn't like to call animals animals, he calls them friends. Shortly after this reveal, he gets mauled, a little. The Ranger also gets a little mauled. They all climb trees. Peter remarks that of course bears can climb trees. They all wonder why they are up there.

I think we're supposed to find this bit tense and nerve-racking. But everyone has been so annoying so far, and the bear has been so ineffective at attacking Americans that we're really not worried. The bear ignores Sari and climbs up after Henry. Peter pats all the cocaine off himself for some stupid reason and gets eaten due to the delicious cocaine aroma.

Or rather his leg gets eaten off. Same as the German woman. That's really unpleasant, but I'm not sure it's instantly fatal like it seems to be.

Doochamps

The Doochamps are a trio of incredibly sleazy, scrawny and ineffective muggers. One was the shoplifter who talked to the ranger. They decide to mug our huge drug dealer Davdeed, who's decked out in gold and is clearly massive. It goes exactly as well for them as you expect. They get the ever-loving shit kicked out of them. He gets a bit stabbed, but not seriously. The Doochamps have found at least one parcel of coke. Eddie and Daveed interrogate one of them and take him off to get the rest of the coke they buried.

The two remaining Doochamps decide to re-rob the ranger station despite being walking bruises. They get caught doing it by the Ranger. They see a bear outside, sat all cute. The Ranger accidentally kills one of the Doochamps, the other one is covered in his brain. The bear just kinda leaves. Then comes back to maul the face of a Doochamp.

Detective Bob Springs

The stereotyped black police Detective ended up with a fancy dog when he wanted a man's best friend type, it felt a bit scattergun in their attempts to make all these people interesting and quirky.

He arrives after some of the groups have already been mauled and/or maimed. But somehow misses everything. He finds the gazebo a long time before everyone else and sees the bag that's been stashed.

They really really want him to say "I'm too old for this shit" but can't quite get him to. He gets the drop on Daveed from his position on top of the Gazebo and later shoots Daveed (and shoots off two of his fingers) when Daveed tries to grab his gun back.

The bear shows up, whilst he's still on the Gazeebo roof. After an altercation with Eddie, he's the only smart one and uses the coke to lure the bear away. But there is a standoff between him and Daveed, a standoff ended by Syd's rifle.

He at least gets a chuckle when Syd's crew all head off towards "an Apex Predator, high on cocaine"

Eddie & Daveed

Syd's son, Eddie is sad and got a tattoo to commemorate his wife, but the tattooist was illiterate and wrote John. He's depressed. even his Penne (weirdly pronounced Peneeee) is plain. Daveed draggs him out of his depressed bar funk and into a depressed car funk. He and Daveed are driving through the countryside, listening to Wings of Love, which is making Eddie cry again. He thinks Syd might have killed his wife. Via giving her cancer. It's stupid.

Eddie & Daveed, after capturing a Doochamp, make him take them to where he buried the rest of the coke. Daveed wants to just get this shit done with. Eddie and the Doochamp decide to play 20 questions. I'd have smacked them both.

We get a great dream scene where the one remaining Doochamp imagines he and his crew are moving to NY City. One is holding his head in his arms. The others were covered in blood. Eddit and the Doochamp hug. They're too late too get the drugs.

During the bear's appearance at the gazebo, it collapses unconscious on top of Eddie. They think it might be dead. It isn't. For some reason Daveed puts his ear to it, rather than, shooting it through the eye. The bear manages to eat the entire parcel of coke instead of bothering them, then molests Eddie a bit.

After his arrival and somewhat forcible recruitment of them both, Syd drags them into the bear's cave, and they gather up the remaining coke. Reba leaves as Syd's wants to keep exploring the park to find more coke. I assume Syd's one of those 100% completionists in video games too.

Syd gets harassed by the bear cubs and accidentally throws his gun to Sari. They use that as a way to escape and jump off Chekov's cliff.

Reba gives the Detective's dog to Eddie. It seems to solve all his emotional issues. The dog eats Daveeds missing fingers.

Henry & DeeDee

Two young kids are out hiking. I'm 90% sure this is the start of a Stephen King book. One carrying a rifle. This being America it may be an actual rifle or a BB Gun. Impossible to tell. They find a parcel of coke. Luckily they've been paying attention to the anti-drug lectures and so they immediately recognise it. Henry bullshits his way about having done coke before. The girl tells him to do it again, and they entirely cut the bag open. She then takes a full-on mouthful of the powder, and so does he. They also find a half-empty packet. They think its a deer. We know its a guy in a bear suit. Wait, sorry, no, a scary bear that they definitely had the budget to have in every scene.

When they do give you a full visual of the bear it's pretty good, all foamy faced. It sneezes on the kids and they run away.

During his wandering with Sari, they find the German hiker, Olaf. He's sitting out crying about his wife. Henry helps himself to some food.

Sari's finds the bear's lair with the help of Olaf who waits outside, gifting them a small flashlight. She brings Henry with her. I think this woman's an idiot. Inside the cave DeeDee's just been hanging out with a few baby bears who are so covered in coke they "look like polar bears" We get the most insanely huge cliff and waterfall. It's Chekov's waterfall. Saying it now.

And it was. Sar, DeeDee, Henry, Daveed and Eddie all leap safely into the water from this huge cliff and escape.

The Ambulance Crew!

The ambulance people arrive and try and deal with all the blood and fatalities. it does not go well for them, it's comical rather than terrible. The two ambulance people and Ranger Liz manage to get in the ambulance and drive away.

The bear chases the ambulance, catches it, even with Liz shooting at it, and eats the male Ambulance drives hand, the driver panics hits a tree and flies through the windscreen. it's hilarious!

Post Credits:

The dog eats Daveeds fingers
The Doochamp kid, Stache, who survived managed to get the duffle full of coke. he hitches a lift with a farmer and his sheep. Stache changes his mind about leaving the coke in the back with the animals.

Final thoughts

A much better real-life (ish) film of the crazy white people getting eaten by bears is Grizzly Man by Werner Hertzog. But that's serious rather than funny. If you've got 90 minutes to kill and you want to turn your brain off, give it a go.